Jeremy Corbyn searching for the Tesseract, says George Osborne

Jeremy Corbyn is plotting to acquire the Tesseract, a mythical object featured in Avengers Assemble, says George Osborne.

“He is the greatest threat the world has ever known, and unless we employ the help of the Avengers, we may be doomed.”, the Chancellor screamed out of his window.

Osborne used Corbyn’s lifelong work campaigning for peace as an example of his dangerous nature.

“This man wants world peace, he is willing to discuss things with people he doesn’t like, because he is trying to make the world a better place. This cannot be allowed.

Progress and peace could damage the stock exchange, and possibly make some of the super rich slightly less rich. I don’t know about you, but that scares me.”

Osborne has written letters to Thor, Iron Man, Hulk, Arrow Man, and Scarlett Johansson, but none have agreed to help.

Scarlett Johansson has released a statement asking for Osborne to stop trying to contact her, “or she will be forced to pursue legal action.”

Death to be eradicated, a few moments after you die

Scientists have released some good news and some bad news. They are on track to eradicate death. Unfortunately they will have only cracked it a few seconds after you die. That’s right, you. You, specifically.

They have found a way to keep people living forever, but they won’t have finished getting to grips with it until shortly after you hit the hay permanently, (and yes it will be too late to bring you back).

After hearing the news, one man laughed and pronounced, “I wouldn’t want to live in this garbage town anyway, the environment is going down in quality if you ask me. It will be too crowded too!”

A scientist replied, “Ah, but we’re also on track for leaving the earth and travelling the universe at faster than light speeds, until we ascend to a high state of blissful consciousness.”

The man laughed again and responded with, “sounds shit.”

However, scientists have urged you not to worry. Or worry, but do not worry about worrying. Death isn’t something you will ever have to worry about, because after you die, you will be dead. Or rather, you won’t be dead, because there won’t be a ‘you’ to be dead anyway. In fact, what you call ‘you’ is really just an expression of the universe in its current form, so you shouldn’t worry about that too much either. In fact, whatever ‘you’ is, will be free of everything, including death. Actually, ‘death’ is only a word we give to an experience, which isn’t really an experience at all.

But you will probably miss out on flying cars.

Rich people baffled by the poor

Rich people, especially those who inherited their fortune or got a job from their uncle, are baffled as to why anyone would want to be poor.

A round table discussion was filmed at Buckingham Palace to discuss the question, ‘why do horrible, unsightly poor people have to be poor?’

George Osborne chimed in by saying they are all “very silly, and also they are dickheads. They should pull up their bootstraps.”

Dawn French countered, “They don’t have any boots, or bootstraps, George.”

Osborne just sniggered at this and spent the next three hours smirking. Jeremy Clarkson blamed the Mexicans. Boris Johnson said he thought ‘the poor were all rather nice chaps, good natured Brits and if they want to be poor that’s their bloody right, you know, to do that.” This received a cheer.

David Cameron said he really thought “they’re enjoying the comfort of being poor  too much. I’ve decided to make things a bit tougher for them, to make them really look for a nice job. For too long in this country people have thought being poor means they should be left alone. Stop being poor I say, or we’ll fuck you up, and make you even more poor – which is probably what you want.”
David Cameron finished with a smile, made a hand motion for the disco ball to be lowered, House music  was blasted out of the stereo and everyone danced late into the night.

People with coolest Facebook photos are happiest, say Science

Those who look coolest in their Facebook profile pictures are 600% happier, according to some California science people.

The study came after Kip Prudlick, who looks particularly really cool in his  pictures, noticed that his  life is just pretty awesome so he phoned around some scientists in various institutions  to tell them.

They began the study and released the results this morning in the afternoon.

Kip’s profile  picture shows him and his wife together on a beach in Croatia. Kip is wearing sunglasses and smiling, naked apart from a scarf around his neck, pouring a can of baked beans over his head. His wife is unconscious. Some have questioned whether the woman is even married to Kip as she has not been contactable and has now been reported missing for six days 

If anyone is aware of her whereabouts they should contact the police immediately.

Scientists have advised people to look as cool as possible on Facebook if they want to be happy.

Some tips they give for photos:

  1. Be caught unawares.
  2. Be at a party surrounded by other cool people.
  3. Be handsome.
  4. Use a photo featuring only an elbow.

If you see Kip Prudlick do not approach and call the police immediately.

Babies branded as immigrants fleeing their mothers

Newborn babies have been criticised for arriving in England without a passport or any justification for arriving in our country.

Babies arrive in the country everyday, and up until now this has not been widely questioned. However, an anti-baby furore exploded recently when anti immigration campaigner Chris Toff openly condemned them. He said that it began when he was walking through a park one day, and was shocked to see how many babies there were.

“I was walking along in the sunshine, and looking around for something to feel miserable about. I was wondering if there was anyone I hated more than immigrants and it suddenly struck me how many babies there were in this park, and in this country. Who are these people? Where do they come from?”

The interviewer replied, “They come from their mothers, you fool.”

Toff counteracted this comment by adding, “Yes I know that but who gave that the OK? Who said they were allowed to be English? They become English in an instant when they are born, and I just don’t know if that’s right, personally. Shouldn’t they have to fill out some sort of a test, or something?

Another anti-baby campaigner pointed to his own hardship, “I’ve lived here all my life and worked hard, why should these scroungers turn up out of no where and expect to stay. Where did they come from anyway?” This comment led to widespread philosophical and metaphysical panic, as people wondered where they existed before they existed as babies.

A woman from Kent put forward the idea that, “We existed on another plain of existence, neither physical nor imaginary but real nonetheless and beyond our understanding. However, this country is full, and if these babies want to come over from another plain of existence that’s fine, and understandable, but we have to consider whether we have the space to accommodate them.”

Many babies were contacted for a statement but didn’t understand. Since Chris Toff’s interview, babies have continued to arrive regularly and apparently couldn’t give a shit.

No thanks for the Memories Pizza: A missed opportunity for product placement

Life must be hard when your chosen target of hatred is a homosexual.

There’s no way to know for certain who might be one, or what EXACTLY they get up to in bed. People that care…well, they clearly think about gay sex even more than gay people.

Memories Pizza in Indiana re-opened its doors to a swathe of anti-gay pizza lovers earlier this month, after it announced it would absolutely not cater to a gay wedding.

http://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2015/apr/03/indiana-pizza-shop-owners-hiding-yelp-twitter-trolling

The fear that may have awoken the owners of Memories Pizza in the middle of the night, drenched in a cold sweat, was probably the image of a half eaten Memories Pizza, scattered on the floor near to a queen size bed, on top of which was one gentleman pleasuring another. Imagine their logo becoming visible beneath the sexy, steamy fog. This isn’t the kind of product placement they were hoping for.

Other pizza purveyors have stayed strangely silent on the fight for gay rights. You would think that fast food chains would be the perfect commentators for sociopolitical issues and human rights. No comment from Pizza Hut on Afghanistan. No statement from Dominoes about Ferguson. No brainstorming sessions from Pizza Express on how to end world hunger. There has been silence on all fronts, but Memories Pizza has stepped up to the plate, while all other pizza restaurants hold their tongues.

As the only Pizza chain sharing its wisdom, we will simply have to treat it as the sole barometer of our society today.

 

 

Follow me on Twitter: @Seanj87

Jeremy Clarkson’s punch labelled offensive by PC-BBC

Jeremy Clarkson, presenter of TOP GEAR,  has been called offensive by the crazy politically correct BBC, after it was reported that he innocently threw his fist in the direction of a BBC producer.

Stick some cream on it”

Top Gear fans have labelled the incident as ‘political correctness gone mad’, adding that the producer needs to stick some skin cream on his face and chill out.

One sad fan shouted, “It’s disgusting. Your fists simply spring out every now and again, it happens, and if a top television producer’s face gets in the way of them, then they shouldn’t be so sensitive. People are too easily offended.”

“You can’t even kill anyone nowadays.”

Another said that it’s a sign of what is wrong with society, “Look, in this world you can’t do anything without lefties getting on your back. You can’t use racist language. You can’t bomb the middle-east. Now it seems you can’t punch a producer. You probably couldn’t even kill someone if you wanted to.”

The BBC has announced that the incident has forced them to re-evaluate their anti-punching policy.

Will Nigel Farage be allowed a pint on the 2015 debate?

Will Nigel Farage be allowed to bring a pint on stage with him when the 2015 leaders debate rolls around? No? ‘Well, why not?’ you’re probably screaming.

You may have noticed that Nigel enjoys the odd pint, because he’s just a regular kind of bloke (*cough* who used to work for American brokerage firm Drexel Burnham Lambert *cough*) and the fact that he just happens to be photographed regularly enjoying a British beer is neither here nor there. It is NOT a marketing strategy designed to make him look amiable. If you think it is, then GET OUT.

You’ve probably seen him; having a swift pint during a break from the election trail, or when talking to members of the public, or between lengths at the local swimming pool. The question is, will he be allowed an ale to rest next to his notes on that podium thing come debate day? Why shouldn’t he? It seems ridiculous to not allow anyone a soothing hoppy beverage to deal with stage fright. Yet, as you probably already know, the BBC doesn’t care about what people want.

All he will have is his suit and his haircut, which are admittedly almost identical to the other election hopefuls. Of course, he will also have his opinions – which number in the thousands.

Hopefully, his aid will be ready with a nice cold beer as soon as the debate is over, or at the very least a warm can of special brew.

 

 

David Cameron is made of love

David Cameron has shocked the world by announcing he is made of love.

In a speech to humans he went on, ‘my main component is all that good shit.’

The news comes shortly after he said wants to bomb Isis, who have been killing people. The plan is for the UK to join the US in a swift retaliation to these disgusting killings, by doing as much murder as they can possibly muster. Once it is complete, the killings will cancel out all the other killings and everyone will have a can of coke.

Yet some detractors have criticised the selective killing of children. Cameron made his best defence by reminding everyone, ‘Love? I’m made of it, bitches.’

David Cameron has a rare genetic condition which means he is literally made of compassion, which allows him to kill in a particularly loving way.

A man in the audience was tempted to throw an onion at Cameron’s head, but he felt tired so he just went to the pub.

David Cameron to start printing £50 notes in his basement

David Cameron has pledged to print money in his own house, with the help of his wife Samantha, in a bid to help boost the economy.

After the announcement from Labour that they will be cutting student fees, many conservatives have asked, ‘where will the money come from?’

Asking himself where the money could come from for this and many other things, David Cameron has come up with the answer – his own gaff. The Prime Minister announced he has bought an old printing press on Ebay and will be printing notes in his basement. Samantha Cameron will keep it going while he is at work. 

The new money will be shared first among Cameron’s friend. As they begin to spend it, it will work its way into the rest of the economy, and eventually everyone will become rich. When George Osborne was asked about the plan he replied, ‘Personally I’ve already got enough money, still it sounds like a great idea. You can never have too much money.’