Babies branded as immigrants fleeing their mothers

Newborn babies have been criticised for arriving in England without a passport or any justification for arriving in our country.

Babies arrive in the country everyday, and up until now this has not been widely questioned. However, an anti-baby furore exploded recently when anti immigration campaigner Chris Toff openly condemned them. He said that it began when he was walking through a park one day, and was shocked to see how many babies there were.

“I was walking along in the sunshine, and looking around for something to feel miserable about. I was wondering if there was anyone I hated more than immigrants and it suddenly struck me how many babies there were in this park, and in this country. Who are these people? Where do they come from?”

The interviewer replied, “They come from their mothers, you fool.”

Toff counteracted this comment by adding, “Yes I know that but who gave that the OK? Who said they were allowed to be English? They become English in an instant when they are born, and I just don’t know if that’s right, personally. Shouldn’t they have to fill out some sort of a test, or something?

Another anti-baby campaigner pointed to his own hardship, “I’ve lived here all my life and worked hard, why should these scroungers turn up out of no where and expect to stay. Where did they come from anyway?” This comment led to widespread philosophical and metaphysical panic, as people wondered where they existed before they existed as babies.

A woman from Kent put forward the idea that, “We existed on another plain of existence, neither physical nor imaginary but real nonetheless and beyond our understanding. However, this country is full, and if these babies want to come over from another plain of existence that’s fine, and understandable, but we have to consider whether we have the space to accommodate them.”

Many babies were contacted for a statement but didn’t understand. Since Chris Toff’s interview, babies have continued to arrive regularly and apparently couldn’t give a shit.

No thanks for the Memories Pizza: A missed opportunity for product placement

Life must be hard when your chosen target of hatred is a homosexual.

There’s no way to know for certain who might be one, or what EXACTLY they get up to in bed. People that care…well, they clearly think about gay sex even more than gay people.

Memories Pizza in Indiana re-opened its doors to a swathe of anti-gay pizza lovers earlier this month, after it announced it would absolutely not cater to a gay wedding.

The fear that may have awoken the owners of Memories Pizza in the middle of the night, drenched in a cold sweat, was probably the image of a half eaten Memories Pizza, scattered on the floor near to a queen size bed, on top of which was one gentleman pleasuring another. Imagine their logo becoming visible beneath the sexy, steamy fog. This isn’t the kind of product placement they were hoping for.

Other pizza purveyors have stayed strangely silent on the fight for gay rights. You would think that fast food chains would be the perfect commentators for sociopolitical issues and human rights. No comment from Pizza Hut on Afghanistan. No statement from Dominoes about Ferguson. No brainstorming sessions from Pizza Express on how to end world hunger. There has been silence on all fronts, but Memories Pizza has stepped up to the plate, while all other pizza restaurants hold their tongues.

As the only Pizza chain sharing its wisdom, we will simply have to treat it as the sole barometer of our society today.



Follow me on Twitter: @Seanj87

Jeremy Clarkson’s punch labelled offensive by PC-BBC

Jeremy Clarkson, presenter of TOP GEAR,  has been called offensive by the crazy politically correct BBC, after it was reported that he innocently threw his fist in the direction of a BBC producer.

Stick some cream on it”

Top Gear fans have labelled the incident as ‘political correctness gone mad’, adding that the producer needs to stick some skin cream on his face and chill out.

One sad fan shouted, “It’s disgusting. Your fists simply spring out every now and again, it happens, and if a top television producer’s face gets in the way of them, then they shouldn’t be so sensitive. People are too easily offended.”

“You can’t even kill anyone nowadays.”

Another said that it’s a sign of what is wrong with society, “Look, in this world you can’t do anything without lefties getting on your back. You can’t use racist language. You can’t bomb the middle-east. Now it seems you can’t punch a producer. You probably couldn’t even kill someone if you wanted to.”

The BBC has announced that the incident has forced them to re-evaluate their anti-punching policy.

Will Nigel Farage be allowed a pint on the 2015 debate?

Will Nigel Farage be allowed to bring a pint on stage with him when the 2015 leaders debate rolls around? No? ‘Well, why not?’ you’re probably screaming.

You may have noticed that Nigel enjoys the odd pint, because he’s just a regular kind of bloke (*cough* who used to work for American brokerage firm Drexel Burnham Lambert *cough*) and the fact that he just happens to be photographed regularly enjoying a British beer is neither here nor there. It is NOT a marketing strategy designed to make him look amiable. If you think it is, then GET OUT.

You’ve probably seen him; having a swift pint during a break from the election trail, or when talking to members of the public, or between lengths at the local swimming pool. The question is, will he be allowed an ale to rest next to his notes on that podium thing come debate day? Why shouldn’t he? It seems ridiculous to not allow anyone a soothing hoppy beverage to deal with stage fright. Yet, as you probably already know, the BBC doesn’t care about what people want.

All he will have is his suit and his haircut, which are admittedly almost identical to the other election hopefuls. Of course, he will also have his opinions – which number in the thousands.

Hopefully, his aid will be ready with a nice cold beer as soon as the debate is over, or at the very least a warm can of special brew.



David Cameron is made of love

David Cameron has shocked the world by announcing he is made of love.

In a speech to humans he went on, ‘my main component is all that good shit.’

The news comes shortly after he said wants to bomb Isis, who have been killing people. The plan is for the UK to join the US in a swift retaliation to these disgusting killings, by doing as much murder as they can possibly muster. Once it is complete, the killings will cancel out all the other killings and everyone will have a can of coke.

Yet some detractors have criticised the selective killing of children. Cameron made his best defence by reminding everyone, ‘Love? I’m made of it, bitches.’

David Cameron has a rare genetic condition which means he is literally made of compassion, which allows him to kill in a particularly loving way.

A man in the audience was tempted to throw an onion at Cameron’s head, but he felt tired so he just went to the pub.

David Cameron to start printing £50 notes in his basement

David Cameron has pledged to print money in his own house, with the help of his wife Samantha, in a bid to help boost the economy.

After the announcement from Labour that they will be cutting student fees, many conservatives have asked, ‘where will the money come from?’

Asking himself where the money could come from for this and many other things, David Cameron has come up with the answer – his own gaff. The Prime Minister announced he has bought an old printing press on Ebay and will be printing notes in his basement. Samantha Cameron will keep it going while he is at work. 

The new money will be shared first among Cameron’s friend. As they begin to spend it, it will work its way into the rest of the economy, and eventually everyone will become rich. When George Osborne was asked about the plan he replied, ‘Personally I’ve already got enough money, still it sounds like a great idea. You can never have too much money.’

Ukip Councillor’s Ipod playlist revealed, includes ‘I Can’t Stand The Rain’ by Tina Turner

david-silvesterThe Ukip Councillor who blamed the UK’s recent bad weather on gay marriage has revealed his office playlist.

David Silvester said he loves to listen to music whilst he works, ‘When I get in first thing in the morning, I’m usually soaking wet from all the storms – so I stick my ipod with all my favourite songs on the speakers, top volume,  and that gets me through the day.’

Silvester said that the songs are specifically about rain, to keep him positive, ‘Myself and my colleagues chart complex weather systems and predict when the next storms come. It’s gruelling work and I don’t know what I would do without this music.’

Here is Silvester’s office playlist, along with his thoughts on some of the tracks:

1. Tina Turner – I Can’t Stand The Rain (‘Tina knows what I’m talking about’)

2. Etta James – Stormy Weather

3. Mint Royale – Singing in the Rain (‘Love this remix’)

4. Basement Jaxx – Raindrops

5. Purple Rain – Prince (‘Best song ever made’)

6. Eurythmics – Here Comes the Rain Again

7. Prince – When Doves Cry (‘Doesn’t have anything to do with weather, just a great track’)

8. Milli Vanilli – Blame it on the Rain

9. Prince –  1999

10: Prince – Little Red Corvette

So there you have it – David Silvester’s favourite songs to help him get through these stormy times. In case you were wondering, he said feel free to use this playlist yourself too.

George Osborne building his own homeless network

George Osborne is rumoured to be concocting an elaborate plan to put together an underground network of homeless people, who will help him out whenever he needs them.

The Chancellor said that he got the idea from watching the hit TV show ‘Sherlock.’ ‘Sherlock is one of my big favourites. I want to be just like him and have a homeless network who help me out when I go on adventures.’

The plan has apparently been much harder for Osborne to achieve than he expected, because according to him there simply aren’t enough homeless people around. ‘I’ve done a bit of networking, but homeless people don’t really seem that up for it. I’ve just got to find some that are, and so I’m going to need more homeless people.’

With that in mind he has concocted an elaborate plan to create more homelessness by slashing the welfare budget by £12bn. This will push more people onto the streets, and create more companions for Osborne to go on adventures with. ‘It may seem complicated, but this is bound to increase the number of people living on the streets. And that will  bring me one step closer to being just like Benedict Cumberbatch.’

‘The Man Who Bumped Into Kennedy’ movie to be produced

A new big budget movie is to be produced about a man who once bumped into John F Kennedy at some time or another.

The film will be based on the true story of Pat Moore, who walked past the future president on a busy street one day when they were both only teenagers, and accidentally bumped into his shoulder. Moore said ‘excuse me’ and Kennedy said ‘my mistake’. John Fitzgerald Kennedy would later go on to be the 35th President of the United States of America. Pat Moore would become a director of pornographic movies.

Critics have said there is no evidence to prove that the encounter took place, and it could easily be fictional. The filmmakers have decided to ignore this and go ahead with the film anyway.

Pat Moore is to be played George Clooney and his wife, Erin Moore,  is to be played by Jennifer Anniston.

Apple to produce robots shaped like your favourite celebrity, and yes, you will be able to have sex with them

Apple, and other large companies including Coca Cola and Hovis, are to start producing live-in androids that will look like any celebrity you choose. The option will be available for owners to make love to their personal human robot- or ‘hu-pods’.

The hu-pods are the creation of professor Michael Bygmy, and look exactly like real humans. Bygmy has said that the idea came to him like a bolt of lighting one Sunday morning. He was in his bathroom masturbating when a heavy clock hanging on his wall fell on his head and knocked him unconscious. When he awoke the idea for the ‘hu-pods’ was fresh in his mind. He immediately did up his trousers and set off for his lab to get to work.

Five years later and his idea is about to become a reality. The hu-pods are going to become available to the general public and will be able to do anything around the house, cook you dinner, clean the house, or as previously mentioned, have sex with you.

The hu-pods are also almost identical to humans, and can be programmed to be as nice or funny as you want. There will also be the choice for them to look like anyone from Angelina Jolie to Jeremy Paxman. At present the only model available is Patrick Stewart, as this was the prototype image Professor Bygmy used for his first hu-pods.

However, more bespoke models will become available after the preliminary trials. The hu-pods will go on sale early next year at a starting price of £1,500,000.