So you’ve decided that you’re living under a totalitarian surveillance obsessed police state and you think the only way to make it sexy and exciting is to be Jason Bourne. Well I’ve got some news for you: you’re smart.
To be Jason Bourne you’ll have to sign up to be a government assassin and then later lose your memory and spend the rest of your life in exciting action sequences being chased down by bastards. If that sounds difficult you can also watch the next Jason Bourne film: Jason Bourne. (They decided to call it Jason Bourne because of its subject matter).
What are the 5 situations you can imagine you’re Jason Bourne in?
1. Having Sex.
Sex can be fun or awkward or weird or great depending on various factors. To spice things up you can slip in lines from the Jason Bourne film franchise such as, ‘I’m Jason Bourne’ or to really surprise them, ‘holy shit that’s Jason Bourne.’ This will add unpredictability to your bedroom activities.
2. Catching a train.
In the Bourne Ultimatum Bourne is forced to put guys down one after the other. By put down I mean kill. Don’t do that. It’s immoral. And it probably won’t be as exciting as it was in the movie. But you could walk quickly on the way to your train with the Bourne soundtrack on your IPod.
3. Watching Jason Bourne
Jason Bourne will be out soon. And if Jason Bourne existed, he would probably go and see this movie, and freak out by the fact that there’s a movie about him. You can go and see that movie.
4. When you phone someone.
Jason Bourne had a habit of phoning people while watching them from across the street. But it wasn’t creepy because it was espionage and cool. Why not call someone and say ‘you look tired Pam’, calling them Pam like Bourne did in the movie will surprise them even more. But be careful if they are weirded out by this. In fact, don’t do this.
5. When government agents are trying to kill you.
No one like it when government agents are trying to kill you, so why not stay calm by behaving like Jason Bourne? Make sure you have a motorbike to hand. And just be really cool in an exciting European city. The world is your oyster.