5 situations to imagine you’re Jason Bourne

So you’ve decided that you’re living under a totalitarian surveillance obsessed police state and you think the only way to make it sexy and exciting is to be Jason Bourne. Well I’ve got some news for you: you’re smart.
To be Jason Bourne you’ll have to sign up to be a government assassin and then later lose your memory and spend the rest of your life in exciting action sequences being chased down by bastards. If that sounds difficult you can also watch the next Jason Bourne film: Jason Bourne. (They decided to call it Jason Bourne because of its subject matter).
What are the 5 situations you can imagine you’re Jason Bourne in?

1. Having Sex.
Sex can be fun or awkward or weird or great depending on various factors. To spice things up you can slip in lines from the Jason Bourne film franchise such as, ‘I’m Jason Bourne’ or to really surprise them, ‘holy shit that’s Jason Bourne.’ This will add unpredictability to your bedroom activities.
2. Catching a train.
In the Bourne Ultimatum Bourne is forced to put guys down one after the other. By put down I mean kill. Don’t do that. It’s immoral. And it probably won’t be as exciting as it was in the movie. But you could walk quickly on the way to your train with the Bourne soundtrack on your IPod.
3. Watching Jason Bourne
Jason Bourne will be out soon. And if Jason Bourne existed, he would probably go and see this movie, and freak out by the fact that there’s a movie about him. You can go and see that movie.
4. When you phone someone.
Jason Bourne had a habit of phoning people while watching them from across the street. But it wasn’t creepy because it was espionage and cool. Why not call someone and say ‘you look tired Pam’, calling them Pam like Bourne did in the movie will surprise them even more. But be careful if they are weirded out by this. In fact, don’t do this.
5. When government agents are trying to kill you.
No one like it when government agents are trying to kill you, so why not stay calm by behaving like Jason Bourne? Make sure you have a motorbike to hand. And just be really cool in an exciting European city. The world is your oyster.

5 Life lessons to take from Sci-Fi movies

Movies can teach us many things.  To help you on your journey through life, here are 5 life lessons you can take from Sci-Fi movies:

  1. Don’t trust anyone, even yourself

If Invasion of the Body Snatchers and The Thing have taught us anything it’s that you can’t trust anyone, ever. Just because someone looks like herself, and sounds like herself, doesn’t mean she’s not a bloodthirsty alien about to rip your head off. You can’t trust your dog either, if you were wondering. In fact, you can’t even trust yourself. You could be an imposter and not even know it.  You might think “but I’m not an imposter, I’m me!”. Well, you would say that, wouldn’t you?

  1. Avoid time travel (unless you’re Marty Mcfly)

If you don’t want to be the cause of world war 3, or end up your own grandad, it’s probably a good idea to avoid time travel. It may seem like a good idea at the time, and then there are fifty versions of yourself wondering about all insisting they’re the ‘real one’. If you’re Marty McFly, you’ll actually make things better. You’ll turn your parents into a happy couple, your dad into a more confident man, and get a cool new truck. You’re not Marty Mcfly. Statistically  speaking, it’s more likely you’ll just end up on a planet ruled by apes.

  1. Be careful what you say in front of your computer

The next time you complain about Google Chrome, be careful. You never know who, or what, might be listening. These days we’re never far from a laptop, ipad, or iphone. For God’s sake, watch what you say in front of them, and don’t assume you’ll be safe just because you’re in a sound proof room. They can lip read. If you say you’re thinking of switching to a Samsung Galaxy, they will murder you. They’ll lure you outside and they won’t let you back in, no matter how many times you order them to ‘open the pod bay doors’.

  1. Make sure you have your teleporter regularly fumigated

If you become too lazy to move from one side of the room to the other, and decide to invent a teleportation device, always have it regularly checked for insects. In The Fly, genius scientist Seth Brundle forgot to do this and it ended badly. Very badly.  Also, if you throw a house party you might not want to leave it lying around in front of drunk people. In fact,on second thought it’s probably best to not have a teleporter at all.

  1. Never help anyone

If everyone would have listened to Sigourney Weaver in Alien, and quarantined John Hurt, the crew of the Nostromo could have saved themselves  a lot of trouble.  They wanted to help him (most of them) and she wanted to be sensible and follow protocol. The lesson? Never try to help people, especially John Hurt. If you try to perform surgery on someone who could be an alien, you’re likely to lose your hands. Never respond to distress calls, because whatever can go wrong will go wrong. It was John Hurt’s brilliant idea to take a look at that alien egg anyway.

David Cameron defends leaving his pants lying around, as necessary for a strong economy

David Cameron has claimed that leaving his dirty boxers lying around is only to build a growing economy, after his wife repeatedly complained to him about it.

“The situation came to a head, I’d been doing it for a while” said Cameron. “But suddenly Samantha had a problem. So I explained that it was only for the sake of a stronger economy. If we want a strong economy, I need to leave my pants lying around. This has all lead me to suspect she’s a terrorist sympathiser.”

The news comes after the woman who carried the Prime Minister in her womb for nine months, his mother, was fired after the children’s centre she worked at was closed down due to cuts.

David Cameron defended the closure, “I’ll say the same thing I said about the pants, it’s all necessary for a bubbling economy. I don’t like firing my mother, or leaving my pants lying around, or any of the other shit I do, but it’s all to build a buoyant economy.”

Nothing much happening with Jeremy Corbyn today


It has been reported to us from a reliable source that not a lot is happening with leader of the opposition today, Jeremy Corbyn.


Newspapers across the country have been put on a high alert, making the decision to leave their front page blank. Many editors have said they may come into shops and scribble something onto the front pages ‘if they feel like it’, possibly about Corbyn’s hair cut.

“Not much has been said about Jeremy’s hair, I guess? Or his elbows….? Are his elbows normal? I don’t know I’ve never really looked at them.” one journalist told us. We can now confirm that three gossip columnists are penning articles focussing in some way on Mr Corbyn’s elbows.

Nothing is going on. This nothing has been described as disgusting, repulsive, the opposite of good. A man from Hackney described this nothing that is happening as actually seeming pretty good, but they were then called an idiot. Later reports show that they are indeed an idiot.



Donald Trump to build a wall around his body

Donald Trump, unable to cope with immigration, has announced a revolutionary plan to build a wall around his body, a move which has been welcomed by both his supporters and his critics.

The wall will go up to his head and enclose his entire person, leaving no space for immigrants to sneak into his personal space, presuming they are of normal human size and not microscopic.

The presidential hopeful said in a speech, “I love walls, I told you I’m great at building walls and now I’ll build the best wall ever, sadly there will only be enough room for me, sorry folks, I still love you all though.”

Trump says he’ll include a roof on top, and their will be no air to breathe. When asked if this could be fatal he responded, “yeah…we’re working on that. I guess I’d die right? I just really wanna build a wall around myself.”



Jeremy Corbyn searching for the Tesseract, says George Osborne

Jeremy Corbyn is plotting to acquire the Tesseract, a mythical object featured in Avengers Assemble, says George Osborne.

“He is the greatest threat the world has ever known, and unless we employ the help of the Avengers, we may be doomed.”, the Chancellor screamed out of his window.

Osborne used Corbyn’s lifelong work campaigning for peace as an example of his dangerous nature.

“This man wants world peace, he is willing to discuss things with people he doesn’t like, because he is trying to make the world a better place. This cannot be allowed.

Progress and peace could damage the stock exchange, and possibly make some of the super rich slightly less rich. I don’t know about you, but that scares me.”

Osborne has written letters to Thor, Iron Man, Hulk, Arrow Man, and Scarlett Johansson, but none have agreed to help.

Scarlett Johansson has released a statement asking for Osborne to stop trying to contact her, “or she will be forced to pursue legal action.”

Death to be eradicated, a few moments after you die

Scientists have released some good news and some bad news. They are on track to eradicate death. Unfortunately they will have only cracked it a few seconds after you die. That’s right, you. You, specifically.

They have found a way to keep people living forever, but they won’t have finished getting to grips with it until shortly after you hit the hay permanently, (and yes it will be too late to bring you back).

After hearing the news, one man laughed and pronounced, “I wouldn’t want to live in this garbage town anyway, the environment is going down in quality if you ask me. It will be too crowded too!”

A scientist replied, “Ah, but we’re also on track for leaving the earth and travelling the universe at faster than light speeds, until we ascend to a high state of blissful consciousness.”

The man laughed again and responded with, “sounds shit.”

However, scientists have urged you not to worry. Or worry, but do not worry about worrying. Death isn’t something you will ever have to worry about, because after you die, you will be dead. Or rather, you won’t be dead, because there won’t be a ‘you’ to be dead anyway. In fact, what you call ‘you’ is really just an expression of the universe in its current form, so you shouldn’t worry about that too much either. In fact, whatever ‘you’ is, will be free of everything, including death. Actually, ‘death’ is only a word we give to an experience, which isn’t really an experience at all.

But you will probably miss out on flying cars.

Rich people baffled by the poor

Rich people, especially those who inherited their fortune or got a job from their uncle, are baffled as to why anyone would want to be poor.

A round table discussion was filmed at Buckingham Palace to discuss the question, ‘why do horrible, unsightly poor people have to be poor?’

George Osborne chimed in by saying they are all “very silly, and also they are dickheads. They should pull up their bootstraps.”

Dawn French countered, “They don’t have any boots, or bootstraps, George.”

Osborne just sniggered at this and spent the next three hours smirking. Jeremy Clarkson blamed the Mexicans. Boris Johnson said he thought ‘the poor were all rather nice chaps, good natured Brits and if they want to be poor that’s their bloody right, you know, to do that.” This received a cheer.

David Cameron said he really thought “they’re enjoying the comfort of being poor  too much. I’ve decided to make things a bit tougher for them, to make them really look for a nice job. For too long in this country people have thought being poor means they should be left alone. Stop being poor I say, or we’ll fuck you up, and make you even more poor – which is probably what you want.”
David Cameron finished with a smile, made a hand motion for the disco ball to be lowered, House music  was blasted out of the stereo and everyone danced late into the night.

People with coolest Facebook photos are happiest, say Science

Those who look coolest in their Facebook profile pictures are 600% happier, according to some California science people.

The study came after Kip Prudlick, who looks particularly really cool in his  pictures, noticed that his  life is just pretty awesome so he phoned around some scientists in various institutions  to tell them.

They began the study and released the results this morning in the afternoon.

Kip’s profile  picture shows him and his wife together on a beach in Croatia. Kip is wearing sunglasses and smiling, naked apart from a scarf around his neck, pouring a can of baked beans over his head. His wife is unconscious. Some have questioned whether the woman is even married to Kip as she has not been contactable and has now been reported missing for six days 

If anyone is aware of her whereabouts they should contact the police immediately.

Scientists have advised people to look as cool as possible on Facebook if they want to be happy.

Some tips they give for photos:

  1. Be caught unawares.
  2. Be at a party surrounded by other cool people.
  3. Be handsome.
  4. Use a photo featuring only an elbow.

If you see Kip Prudlick do not approach and call the police immediately.

Babies branded as immigrants fleeing their mothers

Newborn babies have been criticised for arriving in England without a passport or any justification for arriving in our country.

Babies arrive in the country everyday, and up until now this has not been widely questioned. However, an anti-baby furore exploded recently when anti immigration campaigner Chris Toff openly condemned them. He said that it began when he was walking through a park one day, and was shocked to see how many babies there were.

“I was walking along in the sunshine, and looking around for something to feel miserable about. I was wondering if there was anyone I hated more than immigrants and it suddenly struck me how many babies there were in this park, and in this country. Who are these people? Where do they come from?”

The interviewer replied, “They come from their mothers, you fool.”

Toff counteracted this comment by adding, “Yes I know that but who gave that the OK? Who said they were allowed to be English? They become English in an instant when they are born, and I just don’t know if that’s right, personally. Shouldn’t they have to fill out some sort of a test, or something?

Another anti-baby campaigner pointed to his own hardship, “I’ve lived here all my life and worked hard, why should these scroungers turn up out of no where and expect to stay. Where did they come from anyway?” This comment led to widespread philosophical and metaphysical panic, as people wondered where they existed before they existed as babies.

A woman from Kent put forward the idea that, “We existed on another plain of existence, neither physical nor imaginary but real nonetheless and beyond our understanding. However, this country is full, and if these babies want to come over from another plain of existence that’s fine, and understandable, but we have to consider whether we have the space to accommodate them.”

Many babies were contacted for a statement but didn’t understand. Since Chris Toff’s interview, babies have continued to arrive regularly and apparently couldn’t give a shit.