Tories: “We still think you grow the economy by making people poorer, but we’ll ease off for a while.”

Phillip Hammond has said in his Mansion House speech that you can only have good public services with a growing economy, while also implying that to have a growing economy you need to have bad public services. To save money. Then you have more money in the bank. Or something. Under the Tory plan you also need to borrow more and increase the national debt, It’s a bit like saying you need to starve yourself to get your vitamins, or to clean your front room you need to take a shit on the carpet.

I’m no economist, but I know this: to grow the economy you need to cut disabled people’s benefits. It’s the only way to increase growth. The Tories have made it clear. In his speech Hot Rod Hammond said they have lost the belt tightening argument, but I don’t agree. It’s clear the cuts to public services, library closures, swimming pool closures etc saw a sharp spike in national GDP and it was electrifying.

Anyone who has witnessed a family’s home being repossessed will have noticed the ker-ching noise bubbling through the land as our economy soars like an eagle. The connection is so potent that if you snatch a school lunch out of a child’s hands, you will literally feel the economy explode, like that bit in the Highlander movies where he kills the bad guy and absorbs his life energy in the form of an electrical storm.

Yes, the Tories have realised all of this. If we don’t make British people poorer, we will end up like Venezuela, where people are also poor. And the Conservatives have tried to make this argument, but we just won’t listen, god dammit. Furthermore, the rich have to continue to get richer and own more empty houses. That is the way that you create growth. A select few people have most of the money and they keep it safe in their accounts. And if those rich people happen to be the Tories, well yeah fine, they are prepared to take that part of the deal, and so the poor have to be prepared to eat their stale bread.

Here is the way it works: if you’re poor and you don’t want to be, just become rich. As Del Boy said, it sure takes the sting out of being poor. All you have to do is work hard and innovate. If you’ve tried that and you’re still poor, why not be born into a rich family. Or you could try cutting some public services, and watch as your bank balance powers up like Super Mario.



‘Brexit means Xqelth’ says Theresa May

Theresa May, Prime Minister hopeful, has given up on all coherent language in her bid to gain more power.

After repeating ‘Brexit means Brexit’ over and over again, she evolved the phrase by adding in pointless extras like ‘Brexit means Brexit means Pasta means Elbow’, and ‘Brexit means Strength means Calcium means Theresa’. May has apparently realised that random assortments of words, repeated ad infinitum are persuasive, and also fun.

Now there has been a shocking development, as the Conservatives announce a new language, which will have no actual words or meaning, and be simply an incoherent assortment of noises.

May shouted in the house of commons, “I hear the leader of the Labour Party announce this policy, and that policy, investment, protection of workers, not killing people abroad loads, and I say, fuck off! It is the Conservatives that will give us a stronger Wednesday, a stronger jealousy, and other stuff as well. Also, strong and stable! That is why I have made up a new language, which doesn’t even have a name!’

May went on, ‘He says he wants a stronger economy, I say he is a ghrpaq and an [intelligible]!’

May made a series of intelligible sounds, mixing in the phrase ‘strong and stable every now and then. Mr Corbyn released a series of policy ideas written in english, unaware of the popularity of incoherent noises in politics.

Boris Johnson promises more fun words like Mugwump post Brexit

The respectable and politically flexible Boris Johnson has promised that he will entertain the public with more classic zingers in the years to come, after he called Jeremy Corbyn a ‘mugwump’.

Mugwump is not a word we all use everyday, because it’s so brilliant we wouldn’t want to wear it out, and also, most of us don’t know what it means. It comes from Charlie and the Great Glass Elevator and apparently it means ‘aloof or independent, especially politically’. It’s quite vague and not really important, because the aim is for it to sound silly.

Johnson will likely look forward to other old words returning post-Brexit, including Bedswerver, Bespawler, and Cumberworld.

This is all to stop Jeremy Corbyn from fighting for the rights of all human beings. In fact, since Corbyn is known for sharing his lunch with people he meets, he would more accurately be described as a ‘Darb’.

Rich Right Wing people urge the poor to keep fighting amongst themselves

Rich right wing people are passionately urging the poor to fight amongst themselves “for as long as they can” and if possible, give them more money.

“It’s a crisis for the rich” says a member of the super rich, “because there is still a lot of money that the poor have, when you add it all together. And I want it.”

He went on to say that he likes money because of the thrill you get when you have more than everyone else, and the more you get, the more you want, so you need a lot more, obviously.

In an effort to get even more, more than he has now, him and others on the Right have pleaded with the poor to continue to blame immigrants for everything. In fact, the wars that refugees are fleeing should also be blamed on the refugees, or something.

President-elect Donald Trump used this exciting message to win the election along with a pledge to build new infrastructure and bring home jobs.

He’s a rich business guy so he knows what he’s doing. But he’s not like just any rich guy, because he’s gone bankrupt multiple times. But he has promised to help those left behind in society, especially rich people.

Another defender of the rights of right-wing rich people told us,  “as long as poor people are talking about poor immigrants, they’re not talking about us. Please –  we need more money while we can get it. Rich people are not quite as rich as we could be.

I beg you. Keep talking about immigrants. At this point I can only hope that the masses don’t realise how much power they have when they come together, and see past their differences.”


Young people urged not to take drugs – get drunk instead

After Fabric nightclub was closed down for being the only club in the UK where people take drugs, young people  are being urged to avoid drugs, and just get shitfaced instead. Although, if you’re not drinking, or taking drugs, but you’re in the same club as someone who is, that club will be closed down. 

One MP, who has never taken any drugs except for a few lines of coke at uni said, “we don’t want anyone doing anything that could harm you that’s why alcohol is the best idea. To really enjoy you have to drink a lot though.”

He went on to say that he had heard that some drugs make you love those around you, such as ecstasy, “I’ve heard that, and it also makes music sound better, you shouldn’t be doing anything that alters your consciousness or opens your mind up to new possibilities, or connects you to others. You might try something once, and never do it again, but just don’t try it in the first place.  It’s better to get pissed.”

Another government official who had never tried any drugs urged young people to not take drugs or drink, or do anything at all, ” I personally would advise young people to not to do anything, at all, ever.  We’re only here a short time, and it’s better you stay safe and try nothing until you die.”

Theresa May, unelected Prime Minister,  added, “I wasn’t elected, but because we don’t have proportional representation we only won on 25% of the vote last time so who gives a shit. Anyway, yes, certain drugs can open up your mind and make you realise how much you love your friends but that can get in the way of life. better to just get drunk, which is fun and can make you feel sick.”

The government has admitted that there are many young people that do not wish to take drugs or drink, but that doesn’t matter because they will make the choice for them.

Theresa May added, “I’m going to get the best deal for Britain in Brexit negotiations.”

UK Parliament to vote on emergency invention of time machine 

In a hectic time for the UK, parliament is to vote on emergency powers for someone to invent a  time machine, go back in time, and prevent David Cameron from calling a referendum, much in the style of the Terminator movies.

The Brexit campaign leaders, who appear as baffled as anyone, have said “yes, why not.”

“The problem” said Cameron, “is that it happened in the past, we’re in the present now, moving into the future, so now, it’s already happened, in the present, back then it hadn’t, yet. I thought it would be OK because it hasn’t happened then, but I didn’t realise we would travel, into the future, so to speak, which is where we are now.”

A voter that regretted their Leave vote said, ” I voted in the past, I assumed nothing would change, but we’re not in the past now.”

The idea is that hopefully someone will invent time travel at any point in the future,  for us to change the Brexit that happened before now – in the past.

This then will deal with the problem of actions having consequences, when you can simply go back and change them.

Single cell organism which began life branded an ‘immigrant’

The origin of life began on Earth with a single cell organism, which has now been branded by anti immigration campaigners as ‘an immigrant’.

A UK campaigner said of his shock, ” I couldn’t believe it. I had no idea life started as one thing, that then became different and then moved.”

Many people who hate immigration have spoken of their dismay that change or movement have to exist at all, with one protester saying, with tears in her eyes, “Why does anything have to move or change at all, why? Why can’t it just stay in a static, dumb state like a rock?”

It is a shocking revelation that change, and movement happen. With politicians passing all responsibility and blame onto immigration, rather than taking action to actually solve social issues such as lack of public spending, people have blamed all problems on immigration. This has led to existential questioning of change and movement, especially since everyone in the UK is descended from an immigrant at some point in the past.

5 Life lessons to take from Sci-Fi movies

Movies can teach us many things.  To help you on your journey through life, here are 5 life lessons you can take from Sci-Fi movies:

  1. Don’t trust anyone, even yourself

If Invasion of the Body Snatchers and The Thing have taught us anything it’s that you can’t trust anyone, ever. Just because someone looks like herself, and sounds like herself, doesn’t mean she’s not a bloodthirsty alien about to rip your head off. You can’t trust your dog either, if you were wondering. In fact, you can’t even trust yourself. You could be an imposter and not even know it.  You might think “but I’m not an imposter, I’m me!”. Well, you would say that, wouldn’t you?

  1. Avoid time travel (unless you’re Marty Mcfly)

If you don’t want to be the cause of world war 3, or end up your own grandad, it’s probably a good idea to avoid time travel. It may seem like a good idea at the time, and then there are fifty versions of yourself wondering about all insisting they’re the ‘real one’. If you’re Marty McFly, you’ll actually make things better. You’ll turn your parents into a happy couple, your dad into a more confident man, and get a cool new truck. You’re not Marty Mcfly. Statistically  speaking, it’s more likely you’ll just end up on a planet ruled by apes.

  1. Be careful what you say in front of your computer

The next time you complain about Google Chrome, be careful. You never know who, or what, might be listening. These days we’re never far from a laptop, ipad, or iphone. For God’s sake, watch what you say in front of them, and don’t assume you’ll be safe just because you’re in a sound proof room. They can lip read. If you say you’re thinking of switching to a Samsung Galaxy, they will murder you. They’ll lure you outside and they won’t let you back in, no matter how many times you order them to ‘open the pod bay doors’.

  1. Make sure you have your teleporter regularly fumigated

If you become too lazy to move from one side of the room to the other, and decide to invent a teleportation device, always have it regularly checked for insects. In The Fly, genius scientist Seth Brundle forgot to do this and it ended badly. Very badly.  Also, if you throw a house party you might not want to leave it lying around in front of drunk people. In fact,on second thought it’s probably best to not have a teleporter at all.

  1. Never help anyone

If everyone would have listened to Sigourney Weaver in Alien, and quarantined John Hurt, the crew of the Nostromo could have saved themselves  a lot of trouble.  They wanted to help him (most of them) and she wanted to be sensible and follow protocol. The lesson? Never try to help people, especially John Hurt. If you try to perform surgery on someone who could be an alien, you’re likely to lose your hands. Never respond to distress calls, because whatever can go wrong will go wrong. It was John Hurt’s brilliant idea to take a look at that alien egg anyway.

David Cameron defends leaving his pants lying around, as necessary for a strong economy

David Cameron has claimed that leaving his dirty boxers lying around is only to build a growing economy, after his wife repeatedly complained to him about it.

“The situation came to a head, I’d been doing it for a while” said Cameron. “But suddenly Samantha had a problem. So I explained that it was only for the sake of a stronger economy. If we want a strong economy, I need to leave my pants lying around. This has all lead me to suspect she’s a terrorist sympathiser.”

The news comes after the woman who carried the Prime Minister in her womb for nine months, his mother, was fired after the children’s centre she worked at was closed down due to cuts.

David Cameron defended the closure, “I’ll say the same thing I said about the pants, it’s all necessary for a bubbling economy. I don’t like firing my mother, or leaving my pants lying around, or any of the other shit I do, but it’s all to build a buoyant economy.”

Nothing much happening with Jeremy Corbyn today


It has been reported to us from a reliable source that not a lot is happening with leader of the opposition today, Jeremy Corbyn.


Newspapers across the country have been put on a high alert, making the decision to leave their front page blank. Many editors have said they may come into shops and scribble something onto the front pages ‘if they feel like it’, possibly about Corbyn’s hair cut.

“Not much has been said about Jeremy’s hair, I guess? Or his elbows….? Are his elbows normal? I don’t know I’ve never really looked at them.” one journalist told us. We can now confirm that three gossip columnists are penning articles focussing in some way on Mr Corbyn’s elbows.

Nothing is going on. This nothing has been described as disgusting, repulsive, the opposite of good. A man from Hackney described this nothing that is happening as actually seeming pretty good, but they were then called an idiot. Later reports show that they are indeed an idiot.