David Cameron to start printing £50 notes in his basement

David Cameron has pledged to print money in his own house, with the help of his wife Samantha, in a bid to help boost the economy.

After the announcement from Labour that they will be cutting student fees, many conservatives have asked, ‘where will the money come from?’

Asking himself where the money could come from for this and many other things, David Cameron has come up with the answer – his own gaff. The Prime Minister announced he has bought an old printing press on Ebay and will be printing notes in his basement. Samantha Cameron will keep it going while he is at work. 

The new money will be shared first among Cameron’s friend. As they begin to spend it, it will work its way into the rest of the economy, and eventually everyone will become rich. When George Osborne was asked about the plan he replied, ‘Personally I’ve already got enough money, still it sounds like a great idea. You can never have too much money.’

Ukip Councillor’s Ipod playlist revealed, includes ‘I Can’t Stand The Rain’ by Tina Turner

david-silvesterThe Ukip Councillor who blamed the UK’s recent bad weather on gay marriage has revealed his office playlist.

David Silvester said he loves to listen to music whilst he works, ‘When I get in first thing in the morning, I’m usually soaking wet from all the storms – so I stick my ipod with all my favourite songs on the speakers, top volume,  and that gets me through the day.’

Silvester said that the songs are specifically about rain, to keep him positive, ‘Myself and my colleagues chart complex weather systems and predict when the next storms come. It’s gruelling work and I don’t know what I would do without this music.’

Here is Silvester’s office playlist, along with his thoughts on some of the tracks:

1. Tina Turner – I Can’t Stand The Rain (‘Tina knows what I’m talking about’)

2. Etta James – Stormy Weather

3. Mint Royale – Singing in the Rain (‘Love this remix’)

4. Basement Jaxx – Raindrops

5. Purple Rain – Prince (‘Best song ever made’)

6. Eurythmics – Here Comes the Rain Again

7. Prince – When Doves Cry (‘Doesn’t have anything to do with weather, just a great track’)

8. Milli Vanilli – Blame it on the Rain

9. Prince –  1999

10: Prince – Little Red Corvette

So there you have it – David Silvester’s favourite songs to help him get through these stormy times. In case you were wondering, he said feel free to use this playlist yourself too.

George Osborne building his own homeless network

George Osborne is rumoured to be concocting an elaborate plan to put together an underground network of homeless people, who will help him out whenever he needs them.

The Chancellor said that he got the idea from watching the hit TV show ‘Sherlock.’ ‘Sherlock is one of my big favourites. I want to be just like him and have a homeless network who help me out when I go on adventures.’

The plan has apparently been much harder for Osborne to achieve than he expected, because according to him there simply aren’t enough homeless people around. ‘I’ve done a bit of networking, but homeless people don’t really seem that up for it. I’ve just got to find some that are, and so I’m going to need more homeless people.’

With that in mind he has concocted an elaborate plan to create more homelessness by slashing the welfare budget by £12bn. This will push more people onto the streets, and create more companions for Osborne to go on adventures with. ‘It may seem complicated, but this is bound to increase the number of people living on the streets. And that will  bring me one step closer to being just like Benedict Cumberbatch.’

‘The Man Who Bumped Into Kennedy’ movie to be produced

A new big budget movie is to be produced about a man who once bumped into John F Kennedy at some time or another.

The film will be based on the true story of Pat Moore, who walked past the future president on a busy street one day when they were both only teenagers, and accidentally bumped into his shoulder. Moore said ‘excuse me’ and Kennedy said ‘my mistake’. John Fitzgerald Kennedy would later go on to be the 35th President of the United States of America. Pat Moore would become a director of pornographic movies.

Critics have said there is no evidence to prove that the encounter took place, and it could easily be fictional. The filmmakers have decided to ignore this and go ahead with the film anyway.

Pat Moore is to be played George Clooney and his wife, Erin Moore,  is to be played by Jennifer Anniston.

Apple to produce robots shaped like your favourite celebrity, and yes, you will be able to have sex with them

Apple, and other large companies including Coca Cola and Hovis, are to start producing live-in androids that will look like any celebrity you choose. The option will be available for owners to make love to their personal human robot- or ‘hu-pods’.

The hu-pods are the creation of professor Michael Bygmy, and look exactly like real humans. Bygmy has said that the idea came to him like a bolt of lighting one Sunday morning. He was in his bathroom masturbating when a heavy clock hanging on his wall fell on his head and knocked him unconscious. When he awoke the idea for the ‘hu-pods’ was fresh in his mind. He immediately did up his trousers and set off for his lab to get to work.

Five years later and his idea is about to become a reality. The hu-pods are going to become available to the general public and will be able to do anything around the house, cook you dinner, clean the house, or as previously mentioned, have sex with you.

The hu-pods are also almost identical to humans, and can be programmed to be as nice or funny as you want. There will also be the choice for them to look like anyone from Angelina Jolie to Jeremy Paxman. At present the only model available is Patrick Stewart, as this was the prototype image Professor Bygmy used for his first hu-pods.

However, more bespoke models will become available after the preliminary trials. The hu-pods will go on sale early next year at a starting price of £1,500,000.

Comment Piece: Rebekah and Charlie Brooks remain steadfast in their inspiring attitude of not giving a toss about anything at all

With so many people crippled by the emotion known as ‘guilt’, the Brooks are an inspiring example of how to not give a solitary shit about any of your actions.

This heroic attitude can be seen in the every day world all of the time; in cafes when staff and customers are rude to each other for no particular reason, on high streets when men fearlessly shout compliments at beautiful women passing by, and of course in the example of the life of David Cameron.

But in this case The News of The World has shone a light on this philosophy. If you ever have that nagging feeling that you have hurt a fellow human being, you may want to take a leaf out of the Brooks’ book. Deny everything. Admit nothing. And remember to constantly change your phone’s security codes.

News of the World almost revealed Spider Man’s secret identity

Shocking revelations were made in court yesterday that the News of The World came extremely close to publishing the identity of the masked crime fighter known as Spider Man.

Spider Man has been keeping crime levels down in New York City down for years, after being bitten by a radioactive spider as a teenager. Rather than suffer radiation sickness, he gained the power of super strength and the ability to swing between buildings using a sticky web material.

At the trial of Rebekah and Charlie Brooks, a jury heard that the newspaper was ‘very close’ to releasing the super hero’s secret identity, which he uses to protect his girlfriends. The move could have done huge damage to the wall crawler’s fight against evil. The prosecution went onto say that the newspaper cared nothing for the inspiration that Spider Man gives to millions of children all over the world.

Spider Man himself has compared Rebekah and Charlie Brooks to his nemesis, the ‘Green Goblin’, ‘they do really remind me of Green Goblin, yes.  With great power comes great responsibility and the Goblins and Brooks of this world really don’t get that. Honestly I don’t think they give a shit.’